by Alexandra Bowman. @alexandrabowmanart.
NEW YORK, NY - Local casting director Audie Torium - currently scouting for the American tour of Cats - has reportedly found her ideal performer to play leading catlady Grizabella: a woman bawling her eyes out in a junkyard.
“My assistant and I had just finished a long day of watching people try to sing T.S. Eliot poetry while smudging their mascara,” said Torium, who notes that The Waste Land makes 100% more sense if you read it whilst crying and dressed as an animal. “We passed an alley and heard wailing. We discovered, to our delight, a woman who's definitely 'going through it', because let me tell you: I’ve never seen anyone blubber with such gusto. Such grace. Such convincing and thoroughly engrossing panache.”
Torium’s assistant, Hippa Drome, knew immediately this woman was the perfect choice to play a sad person whose backstory and whole deal are entirely unclear.
“Audie and I burst out of our BMW and screeched ‘YOU’RE THE ONE!,’ but it was clear from the woman pepper-spraying us that our narration clarified very little,” said Drome, whose raw red eyes showed she could also really use a chance to remember what happiness is. “Clearly she’s got the ‘emboldened by fear’ thing that’s so core to Grizabella’s character. She’s a method-actor extraordinaire; stand down, Daniel Day-Lewis. Oh, he already did in 2017?”
The woman in question still has no idea what’s going on.
“I have nine roommates and can’t cry at home, because we all sleep in the same room,” said the woman, who pays $300,000 in monthly rent. “Regardless, these two officers are forcing me to serve my sentence for trespassing by playing Grizabella in the American tour of Cats. This country’s criminal justice system boggles the mind.”
Meanwhile, Andrew Lloyd Webber has issued a warning to all who go to junkyards to cry.
“If you leave the junkyard now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you. I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will cast you in Cats.”