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NASA Deployed After Elphaba Actress Just Keeps Floating Away

by Vincent Rendon. @vincerendon.

HOUSTON, Tx. - The National Aeronautics and Space Administration released new guidance today in response to a strong uptick in reports of cast members from the musical Wicked floating into the upper atmosphere.


“Right now we are facing what is, quite frankly, a crisis of Elphabas floating into space,” said NASA administrator and former astronaut Bill Nelson, pausing to highlight 16 confirmed Elphabas on a single satellite scan. “In accordance with the missions of this organization, we are embarking on a bold research initiative to study and harness the phenomena.”


To lead the new Elphaba division, Nelson appointed the sole theater major at the agency, Tim Jansen, who is the lead barista of the building’s cafe.


“NASA often turns to me whenever the worlds of the-a-ter and space collide!” said Jansen, the only person wearing a scarf in the facility. “Whenever Moulin Rogue! causes a solar eclipse, or Jonathan Groff tries to contact his home planet? I get called up.”


The team’s primary task is to identify the gravity-defying forces propelling the Elphabas and discover a way to counteract it before the structural damage from Elphaba-sized holes in the roof destroy the Gershwin Theater. NASA is hoping to outpace the Elphaba research currently underway at SpaceX, where Elon Musk has already strapped six Elphabas to a rocket ship for an upcoming experimental launch.


To familiarize the scientists with the source material, NASA brought in Scottsdale Community College Theater professor Dr. Carl Cloverson, who wrote their doctoral thesis on the flawed physics in Fiddler on the Roof.


“The biggest challenge so far is getting the researchers to participate. They won’t sing along when I make them watch the play, and they don’t think Boq is funny,” decried Cloverson, holding a moon rock like Hamlet. “They keep wanting to find a ‘scientific explanation’ for what is clearly the magic of song!”


Meanwhile, NASA has claimed that if one of the Elphabas makes it to Mars, then the United States of America will be taking credit for landing the first woman on the red planet.