by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
Mother’s Day has arrived, and this year, do mom a favor and trade the flowers and hand-made card for what she really wants: a 57-foot wide proscenium spinny stage for her to reflect on.
Your mom has a tough job! Between three kids, homework, soccer practice, readying dinner, and desperately trying to pay back the loan she took out to save your father’s life, she doesn’t always have time for herself.
That’s where your gift comes in: give her that OMG surprise by having an $80,000 stage installed in your home, and hiring a union tech to operate it for her safety. Pair a few hours of sittin’ & spinnin’ with a bubble bath and a mimosa, and uh, can you say SPA DAY?!?
Now don’t just go throwing the living room recliner on that bad boy - mama needs a chair fit for a queen.
Take a walk around the block and search some dumpsters for the oldest, most full-of-splinters wooden chair you can find. That’s the chair! Mom needs to be reminded of the general discomforts of her societal structure at all times - especially while she’s rotating slowly and reflecting on those very constructs.
Despite what her husband and the rest of history have decided, your mom is an individual.
While we wish there were options to customize the twirly whirly platform to your mom’s liking (cheetah print would be so CUTE), it unfortunately only comes in the dark gray varietal. But worry not! Pair the stage with a new bathrobe in the same color and now the gift is perfectly themed. Uh, can you say SPA DAY?!?
Finally, much like the massage gun you were looking at on Amazon (so 2021), it’s not recommended that mom spin for more than 15 minutes (people gotta get to their seats after all).
Used properly, however, this brand new spinny stage is the perfect way to show mom you care - and that she’s not a small or weak part of the cog she aches to escape despite the draining monotony she experiences on both a civil and intimately personal level.
Uh, can you say SPA DAY?!?
WARNING: product may lead to mom leaving you and your family, directly wandering onto the streets of New York. She may return years later in a critically acclaimed, innovative sequel, but no guarantees. Do not eat or drink for at least 20 minutes after spinning, or honestly like two hours, cause she has a show to do.