"As Long As You're Mine" to Give Millions of Women False Hope Around Their Gay Friends

by Brady Thomas. @cbradyt.

NEW YORK, NY. —  As more and more moviegoers get to experience the magic of Wicked: For Good, one thing seems to be exceptionally clear: Jonathan Bailey and Cynthia Erivo’s rendition of “As Long As Your Mine” will surely give millions of women false hope regarding their gay friends.

“I’m so glad that we were able to watch the movie early,” exclaimed Robyn Ewing, who saw the movie with gay bestie Ross Preston. “My god, the chemistry between Jonathan and Cynthia was next level, and when they finally started singing to each other, I just thought, ‘this can’t be all made up!’ I know that he’s gay, but I guess the right witch really did put him under her spell,” she said with a heavy wink towards Preston, who pretended not to notice as he texted his long-term boyfriend.

Tricia Lancaster, a lovelorn single woman with a plethora of hunky gay friends, had a similar if more nuanced takeaway from the pivotal scene.

“Ok, I know that they’re actors, it’s not real,” sighed Lewton while checking to see if any non-disgusting straight men had messaged her on Tinder. “Still, do you know how dire it is for single straight women right now? Fiyero is gorgeous, he listens to women, and he looks like he bathes regularly. Right now, the only men in my life who fit that bill are also thirsting after Fiyero. Maybe if I learn to belt like Cynthia, that could get me some points?”

Patrick Mendoza, one of the many gay men who saw the movie with a female best friend, was a little less amused by the Bailey-inspired fervor.

“He can’t keep doing this to us,” complained Mendoza, knowing that his future held a lot of uncomfortable karaoke sessions performing this song with a gal pal. “This is the same bullshit that Jonathan pulled with Bridgerton, and he’s gotta know what this is doing to the community.  Do I think it’s great that we have an openly gay leading man?  Of course, but for fuck’s sake, can he stop being so swoon-worthy?”

While this was all going down, The Broadway Beat began to receive reports of mass lesbian spontaneous combustion during “For Good.”