Method Actor Adam Driver Kills Keri Russell With His Kylo Ren Grip During Performance of "Burn This"
by Zach Schiffman. @schlife.
HUDSON THEATER, NY — During last night's performance of Lanford Wilson’s Burn This, Tony Nominee and known method actor Adam Driver accidentally murdered his co-star Keri Russell by using the "force” after being unable to shake his role of Kylo Ren in the Star Wars franchise, sources confirm.
“It all started when one of the stage lights flickered during the second act. I guess it reminded him of Kylo Ren's faulty light saber or something," noted audience member Caroline Hust. "He yelled out 'Fuck, what was the line... who is my character… oh no, here he comes… I'll show you the power of darkness’ and then reached his hand out and choked Keri Russell with the force." She added that Driver then stood silently brooding for several minutes, before muttering "forgive me."
Paramedics arrived on the scene approximately 16 minutes after the event. Driver attempted to continue the play, repeatedly shouting for co-star Brandon Uranowitz, who refused to back up the leading man.
“He's been pulling this stuff the entire run,” he said while gathering belongings from his dressing room. "Always cutting things in half, not listening to the director, and talking about how a Tony win would be 'fulfilling his destiny.' I thought maybe we'd just get Girls Adam Driver and he'd be kind of a controlling immature jerk, but we got murderous space soldier instead. RIP Keri," he added before storming out the stage door.
Sound board operators reportedly struggled to shut off Driver’s microphone as he belted “The Cantina Song” from Star Wars in order to deflect from the event. He then called for Lin-Manuel Miranda to sing his updated version of the song, but Mr. Miranda was not in attendance, as he's steered clear of Driver ever since he started trying to convince him to help infiltrate the KKK, perhaps inspired by Spike Lee's BlacKkKlansman.
Keri Russell’s last words, allegedly, were “THEY OFFERED ME A WALK ON ROLE IN WAITRESS AND I CHOSE THIS?” before finally just giving in to her unfortunate fate.