by Brian Cudina. @BrianCudina.
NEW YORK, NY — Due to the Coronavirus pandemic, producers of the musical Mean Girls have announced that the company will only perform the first five minutes of the show since, due to the travel ban in Europe influencing a possible travel ban from Africa, Cady Heron would be unable to move to America, rendering the rest of the show pointless, sources confirmed.
“Cady might end up stuck in Africa,” said Producer Lorne Michaels, addressing reporters outside the stage door of the August Wilson wearing latex gloves and a face mask. “Her parents are zoologists, and her father was seen holding a Burmese Python in the movie. They are taking all necessary precautions over there. If the U.S. bans travel from Africa, we don’t want her to end up in a sticky situation, so best to just leave it.”
The show is planning to perform the opening song, “A Cautionary Tale”, and once Cady is done singing about wanting human friends while in Africa, the show will blackout without any character development or payoff.
“How will I find where I belong?” asked actress Sabrina Carpenter, currently starring as Heron, through a Skype interview. “We told the U.S. embassy we’ll submit to any tests they wish to conduct. You’d think I have built up a solid immune system being around all these lions in Act I.”
Other actors have found a positive spin amid the pandemic.
“I’m actually relieved,” said the actor playing Glenn Coco. “Normally I just come out so the audience can clap when Damian says that line. Now, I have time to work on myself and figure out what really makes Glen Coco go.”
At press time, producers announced that the show would still be holding a curtain call, with the actors encouraged to bow, smile, and act exhausted so that audiences still receive the “real” Broadway experience. Due to the expedited run time, Mean Girls will be increasing performances from eight shows per week to 26 five-minute performances/30-second bow sessions per day.