Mama Thinks I’m Living in a Convent…and She’s Right, Please Throw Her Off My Trail, I Don’t Want to be Found

by Keeley Bell. @omgitskee.

SOUTH OF, France – This woman went on the run, but ended up in the first place anyone would check for a missing woman: A secluded little convent in the southern part of France! 

“After downing an entire bottle of wine, I decided to listen to the 2021 London Cast Recording of Cabaret,” Stroles told our reporter, who was disguised as a priest, through the church confessional of Abbey of St. Vincent. “But I only made it to the 1:40 mark in the third song when I got the best idea - join a convent!”

30-year-old Allie Stroles has a complicated relationship with her loved ones. Complicated meaning that she never wants to see them again. 

“Allie isn’t the first theatre kid to come to us,” said Sister Marie-Claire, one of the nuns at the convent and Allie’s only confidant besides our disguised reporter’s alter ego, Father Pasek Paul. “At this point, Nun Musicals are their own genre. Many young women watch The Sound of Music or Sister Act for the first time and go ‘No men? Everyone’s singing all the time? Sign me up!’ I give her two weeks before I’m looking for a new recreational doubles tennis partner.” 

Stroles led our crew, posing as American clergyman tourists, through the Abbey of St. Vincent’s beautiful architecture. 

“I listened to the rest of the cast album on the plane and realized that Sally Bowles didn’t really join a convent…” she sighed, wistfully adjusting her habit as she shredded all of her identifying documents in the church’s admin office. “But I was already on the plane, so I just decided to go with it.” 

Our team let her know that we were actually not a group of curious clergymen, but journalists sent by her mother to find her whereabouts. In response, Stroles promptly packed her things and ran off to dance in a German nightclub. 

As for Father Pasek Paul, he decided to stay at the Abbey of St. Vincent to play doubles tennis with Sister Marie-Claire.