Lori Loughlin Pleads Guilty in Admissions Scandal, Sentenced to Limited Engagement in "Chicago"
by Brendan Leonard. @brennylen.
BOSTON, MA - Lori Loughlin fled a federal court in Boston today in hysterics after pleading guilty of bribery over the highly publicized college admissions scandal. The reason for her outrage came not simply from the verdict, but also because of the judge’s unusual sentence: To repay her debt to society, Loughlin will play Roxie Hart in Chicago on Broadway for a limited engagement next year, the city’s District Attorney confirmed.
“I’d rather go to jail!” said Loughlin, collapsing on the steps of the courthouse. “They can’t make me do this! I know I’ve only done Hallmark movies lately, but I’m better than this! This is sick. This is inhumane. It couldn’t at least be some 60s review at a local dinner theater?”
Authorities lifted Loughlin to her feet, placed her in jazz shoes, and put her in a helicopter headed straight to Gibney Dance Studios, where her court ordered rehearsal process will begin immediately.
“I wanted to send a clear message,” said Judge Elizabeth Farrenkopf, not mincing words. “This is to all the parents out there thinking that they can cheat the system. Bribery will get you booked.” She went on to clarify, “in Chicago.”
Duncan Stewart and Benton Whitley, Chicago’s casting directors, were elated by the news. They were in attendance throughout the trial, sporting “Lock Her Up 8x a Week!” t-shirts.
“This saves us a lot of trouble, so we’re very grateful,” said Stewart. “We were going to cast the voice-controlled operating system from The Circle next as Roxie, but an actual human will be so much easier for the dressers. We talked them down from casting her husband as Amos, and thank the lord - he wouldn’t survive a week.”
At press time, Loughlin will succeed Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Erika Jayne in the role starting early next year. She is sentenced to perform through at least next Summer, but may get to leave early for good behavior.