by Cameron Everett.
LOS ANGELES - In another bold move to expand, Amazon has bought out the small business Mushnik's Skid Row Florists, known to locals as the Little Shop of Horrors.
“When Jeff got back from space, all he could talk about was plants,” says Amazon head of intergalactic purchasing Anthony Corman, who recently moved over from interdimensional purchasing. “I guess being up there really gave him a new perspective on the Earth, you know? He even renamed his other company Green Origin in honor of the majestic flora he saw in space that he definitely didn’t bring back with him.”
Though purchasing such a comparatively small business may seem unusual for Amazon, sales representative Ellen Hillyer insists it was the right choice for the company, and has nothing to do with cannibalism – er, capitalism.
“Since the buyout, we’ve seen a notable uptick in our sales of gardening supplies, first-aid kits, and dental products,” she says, frantically flossing her teeth before her dreaded dentist appointment. “We’ve also changed things up in our warehouses by offering one intermission – sorry, bathroom break – per shift, and hiring vocal trios to narrate as people work.”
In honor of the buyout, Amazon has incorporated its own “green” initiative, which sees a free venus flytrap included in every single Amazon order.
“We want everyone to look around and suddenly see more green in the world,” said Amazon’s new head of gardening Audrey Menken II, who insisted on conducting the interview over the phone and refused to answer questions as to the whereabouts of former head of gardening Audrey I. “So we’re sending everyone a free plant. The actual plant food is, uh, sold separately, so to speak.”
At press time, Amazon continued to insist its only seedy business practice was actually selling seeds.