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  • Writer's pictureBroadway Beat

KIMBERLY AKIMBO Institutes New Student Rush ID Policy After Dozens of 70-Year-Olds Claim They're 16

by Ricky Drummond. @RickyDDrummond.

NEW YORK, NY - Producers of the new Broadway musical Kimberly Akimbo implemented a new addendum to their Student Rush policy today, after weeks of confusion by box office staff. Over the past three weeks, dozens of Student Rush tickets were sold to audience members who, in fact, did not have the rare 1-in-50 million disease where their bodies age four times faster than the average person.

“At first, we couldn’t believe that we had a real-life person attending the show that shared Kimberly’s disease,” shouted Joseph Stockton, an octogenarian box office attendant at The Booth Theatre. “I mean, when I first watched the show, I was floored. To imagine someone living such a life. But then here comes a patron who actually walks in those orthopedic shoes. I even asked if I could get a photo with her after the show!”

Janis Crawford, who sits next to Joseph during Wednesday and Sunday evening shows and thinks he really should have his hearing checked, started to notice an odd trend.

“The second patron who came in suggesting they had the same disease as Kimberly caught me off guard. I mean, to have the first person come in was one thing, but another? What are the odds? I don’t know, I failed Statistics 50 years ago. You do that math - you’re the reporter,” said Crawford, while evicting a tenant in her third home. “Anyway, by the time the sixth gray-haired patron handed over their faded NYU Student ID that seemed to be freshly Whited-Out, I faxed our manager Valéncia right away.”

Valéncia Martínez, the Box Office Manager at the Booth Theatre, decided to scrutinize new potential Student Rush ticket buyers through inventive means.

“At first, we asked them questions like ‘Who is Olivia Rodrigo?’ and ‘Who are three of Pete Davidson’s exes?’, but some quickly picked up on this and did research ahead of time,” noted Martínez, a part-time Wikipedia editor. “Eventually, we had to resort to stating that Liza Minelli was 'good for her time, but wouldn’t make the cut now.' If they started to argue with us, we knew they were lying about their age and kindly escorted them out of the theater.”

Several of the would-be tricksters were then followed by employees of a local retirement home. While averting attempts to be brought back home, they shouted, "You must be thinking of my mother! I'm too young for a retirement home!"

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