by Emily Claypoole. @playdohpoole.
NEW YORK, NY - In a shocking turn of events, [PUNNY SHOW NAME], a jukebox musical featuring the music of [EARLY AUGHTS POP STAR/ BELOVED 80’S SOLO ARTIST], has elected for a never-been-done-before marketing strategy that highlights it’s self-proclaimed status as “Broadway's Biggest Party.”
“I have never seen a Broadway billboard or playbill insert before,” announced junior marketing executive and former Alaskan Oil Rig worker, Tony Neverseenashowbefore, emerging from underneath a literal rock. "When I came up with the totally original idea to tell audiences that this show is ‘a can’t miss spectacular that will have you dancing in the aisles,' I knew I had created the single most unique tagline in Broadway history.”
Sioux Falls, SD native and first time NYC tourist, Martha Whatsamusical, exited the theater after her first Broadway experience brimming with excitement.
“How incredible that I could not only get into a party on Broadway, but Broadway’s Biggest Party!” Martha exclaimed, before noticing a billboard for & Juliet touting the same slogan. “How can that be? It must be a new show. Broadway is always finding ways to top itself. Better get my ticket for that one too!”
Broadway insider Arthur Moneyman, a dark haired man with a mysterious scar above his brow who assists in a number of marketing campaigns for Broadway’s most successful cash cows, had more to add.
“People don’t come to the theater to enjoy a heartfelt tale of the human experience,” Moneyman explained, shooting money out of a confetti canon signed by Max Martin and ABBA, rolling around in it gleefully. “They come to get blasted on $32 chardonnay and sing along to songs they already know, so sure, it’s the biggest party on Broadway. Not like anyone can prove it unless they buy a ticket to every single one of them.”
Following the publishing of this article, Tony Neverseenashow provided us an exclusive look into his next big idea, which he is sure will upend entertainment as we know it: adapting a popular 1990s film into a lightly updated, laugh-riot musical.