• Broadway Beat

Incredible: New Joe Iconis Musical Includes Most References to Jacking Off Ever Recorded

by Paige Oberholtzer. @jabronissey.

NEW YORK, NY. - Last Friday, lyricist and playwright Joe Iconis debuted his newest coming-of-age musical romp, Caught Right Handed. Astoundingly, Caught Right Handed broke the world record for the production with the Most References to Jacking Off.


“It’s a total honor,” Iconis claimed, donning a medal around his neck that he probably shouldn't wear in public. “I wrote the show intending for the lead to be relatable to everyone. With that in mind, meat-beating references were to be expected. My main goal was to outdo Be More Chill, but to have the most ever recorded? I am humbled. I guess 437 is my lucky number!”


70 references to jacking-off were in the first act alone. The second act was a refractory period. But in act three, the score explodes with 367 references. The star of the show, Broadway sweetheart Donnie Schlacks, had similar feelings regarding the incredible feat.


“Working on this was like working on a Mozart piece, if Mozart also played those Pornhub adult try-not-to-cum games in addition to piano,” noted Schlacks, while staring directly into the spotlight. “The tracklist itself spans so many genres, much like the XTube explore page. My favorite songs are tied between 'That’s Not My Gun' and 'Beating Out a Confession'. For so much beating off, the beat is NEVER off.


However, some crew members are less tickled. Lighting designer Marissa Brambert has refused to acknowledge this as a real achievement.


“This is fucking embarrassing,” Brambert criticized while wearing her grey New Balance shoes. “I’ve worked on shows that won Tonys, OK? I did lighting for Hadestown. Do you hear me? Hadestown! Now, I’m sitting here setting up projectors to make it look like jizz is splattering the walls of the Gershwin. Jesus Christ. My in-laws haven’t even talked to me ever since I got them seats in the splash zone.”


As ticket sales soar, Joe Iconis revealed plans for a sequel to Caught Right Handed entitled Clarity. During press time, we asked Iconis for more details about the next installment, to which he replied; “Expect to feel satisfied, and then disgusted. But also, pretty relaxed and ready to snack.”