Ivories Call for a Stop to Inappropriate Tickling

by Sarah Lasko. @saraheleora.

LINCOLN, NE. – In an unforeseen act of grit and bravery, the nation’s ivories have called for an end to inappropriate tickling, once and for all. 

“This is the start of a new day,” declares Josh Steinway, a representative for PIANO (Protecting Instruments Against Nonconsensual Overtures). “No more will we withstand getting our keys pounded at parties. The next time any of you attempt a tipsy ‘Heart and Soul,’ expect to hear from our lawyers.”

Many PIANO members applaud the weighted action, expressing their frustration over years of being played with so little discretion.

“I’m so sick of unsolicited glissandos,” digital piano David Yamaha exclaimed, after showing us that you can change his settings to also play cool helicopter sounds. “People think they can just lay down some ivory whenever they please. And no one ever offers a recovery tuning.” 

Senior members of the activism group, like concert grand piano Mason Hamlin, see the declaration as a whole step up for 88s everywhere. 

“We’re not soft-pedaling anymore. You want to bonk these chords? Prepare for a lid slam to the digits,” Hamlin explained, stabbing his prop stick into the air for emphasis. “Really, I haven’t been this keyed up since I was a baby grand.”

When asked what future progressions might be in play for the organization, Steinway was quick to respond.

“We are now actively developing strategies to reduce unwelcome commentary around what the word ‘pianist’ sounds like. We know, ok?”