• Broadway Beat

Fully Immersive "Rock of Ages" Lets You Do Coke Off the Ushers

by Max Robinson.

NEW YORK, NY - The immersive theater world was abuzz last week with the news that the fully immersive Rock of Ages, set to open late 2022, will let you do a line of coke off the ushers. This comes after months of rumors, confirming once and for all that this show will be fucking rad.


“We’re pushing the art form in a bold new direction,” said show producer Raymond Fieldman while very violently bouncing his leg. “We went into this project with one question: ‘how are we gonna make this thing fucking rad?’, and after 37 straight hours of brainstorming, we realized that nothing captures the spirit of the 80s like that sweet booger sugar.”


This news comes hot on the heels of the announcement that there will indeed be opportunities for trashing hotel rooms and having sex with groupies during the show. While these experiences are indeed sweet as hell, there were some worries that the immersive installation wouldn’t be nearly gnarly enough.


“Lemme tell you man, I did a lot of stardust the summer of ‘86,” former hairmetal mega star and show consultant Brad “Bonanza” Dalton told The Broadway Beat. “You comin in man, and you’re just like: [unintelligible], you know you do your set, signman’s comin in and you gotta get like 100 autographs done. You’d catch me out back with Pete and we’d do a line, sign some, do a line, for the closing set Ozzy would have us all [unintelligible] backstage and you know he’d mumble something like “[unintelligible]” or something. Wild time man.”


Early previews have been mostly positive, with some critics applauding the decision to make the show sick as fuck.


“You really feel like you’re a part of the action” one preview audience member told us between movie pitches. “Rock of Ages is a story about discovering your passions. Bumping a gram in the bathroom then throwing a TV out the window really immersed myself into the narrative of doing an insane amount of Colombian snow in the 80s.”


We approached for comment, the DEA confirmed that they will be emptying out a full evidence locker for the after party, telling The Broadway Beat, on the record, “We’re gonna make Studio 54 look like a Chuck-E-Cheese”.