Local Woman Horrified to Learn That Sex is Real and Not Just Made Up by SPRING AWAKENING
by Mary Fiala. @f_marykill.
CHICAGO – Amanda Larson, 23, has been gagging uncontrollably for hours, and NOT in a sexy way. She recently saw a local production of Spring Awakening, and while she thoroughly enjoyed her experience in the theater, it wasn’t until she returned to her day-to-day life that revelations from the show began to tear down the fabric of her reality.
“This has to be a joke, right? Sex is something people actually do in real life?” Larson asked as she pleaded with our reporters, sweating heavily. “I was discussing the show with some friends over drinks. I told them I was fascinated by this sci-fi twist on teen angst, but I was so glad it was fictional. Wouldn’t it be wild if people actually… did that? And I don’t know if you guys have seen the show but things… did not end well for them.”
We tried in vain to explain the birds and the bees to Larson, but she was backed up by someone of a similar mindset she met in the ladies’ room of the theater. Gertrude Poppy, 47, was equally shocked by the lustful content of the musical.
“I thought maybe it was just a German thing, leftover from the 1891 source material. Something that was a brief fad but thankfully went out of style once we got technology,” cried Poppy while exchanging panicked looks with Larson. “But no! People have been doing this as recently as this very year. With each other! Naked!”
When speaking to Larson’s current partner, things unfortunately became even less clear. Frankie Donnel, 28, was flummoxed by their girlfriend’s views on the carnal aspects of a relationship.
“I didn’t want to pressure her, but asked her if she wanted to have sex and she said yes. I was so excited to begin this new phase of our relationship,” Donnel declared while frantically trying to find Steven Slater’s contact information. “But then she just put on the fourth season of The Good Wife. I think she thinks watching anything with Christine Baranski counts as sex?"
Spring Awakening gave Larson lots to consider on all things coitus. She lobbed one more pleading question our way, while we draped an apron over her head "Mama Who Bore Me" style.
“How does it all… you know… measure up?”