Nation’s Herbal Cigarette Manufacturers Beg George Clooney to Extend GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK

by Ben Schrager. Instagram: @ben.schrager. Bluesky: @benschrager.bsky.social

BAYONNE, NJ. – After learning that George Clooney’s Good Night, and Good Luck is a strictly limited engagement, the nation’s herbal cigarette manufacturers have gotten together to beg the star to extend the show’s run.

“This play is vital, and speaks to our current moment. It’s a travesty that it will be closing in June,” said Sonny Mancuso, owner of Black Tar Herbs and local raw milk enthusiast. “Mr. Clooney, it is your duty to tell the story of that brave, smoke-filled newsroom for as long as possible. Years, if need be. At least three years, which coincidentally is when my youngest daughter graduates college.”

Nicky Mancuso, Sonny’s eldest boy and heir to the Black Tar fortune, concurred with his father.

“We need more shows like Good Night, and Good Luck on Broadway,” said Nicky, while clutching a toilet bowl and dealing with something he described as The Milk Sweats. “Mr. Clooney understands something that most playwrights don’t: theatre isn’t theatre unless everyone on stage is smoking cigarettes that smell like stale grass and burnt pubic hair. I mean, if the air quality during your show doesn’t cause at least one pacemaker a night to short-circuit, is it even art?”

Rival manufacturers have joined forces with Black Tar to call for the production to double down.

“Frankly, I don’t think the show goes far enough. Sure, the theater smells like a live horse was set on fire, as it should, but they’re all drinking iced tea and calling it whiskey when they should be drinking delicious raw milk,” said Greg Dobronow, head of Listeria Farms and Herbs. “If it were up to the big wigs, we’d all be drinking pasteurized milk and smoking scentless vapes, but we all know that Danny Ocean would’ve hated that shit more than he hated those goddamn commies, or whatever that play was about. Honestly, I stopped paying attention once they started lighting up.”

When asked for comment, Mr. Clooney admitted that he wanted to extend, but it wasn’t possible.

 “I brought this show to Broadway because we need it now. Not for any political reasons, but to save the noble art of smoking something on stage that isn’t tobacco and yet somehow feels much, much worse,” said Clooney, while putting together a team for one last job. “I want it to run forever. But unfortunately, the cast has smoked so many goddamn herbals that everything tastes like a baseball mitt. My physician informed me that if we don’t stop soon, we’ll all suffer from Permanent Glove Mouth. Wait, can you win a Tony for that?”