by Max Robinson.
NEW YORK, NY - It was a somber day in New York last week, as members of the Bulletin of the Theatrical Scientists gathered to announce that their Goonies: The Musical Clock was now set at 90 Seconds to Midnight.
“Humanity continues to suffer as the stage adaptation pandemic spreads around the world,” announced Bulletin president Howard Bronson, exchanging cans of beans for toilet paper with reporters in the first two rows. “The existential threat of a Goonies musical has intensified in recent years, and with it every weird 80s movie that’s formed the bedrock of our pop culture. How are we expected to tell our kids that they might grow up in a world where Wargames wins a Tony?”
Outside the conference hall a counter-protest of fans were agitating for an acceptance of the hit film.
“Great stories aren’t told, they’re retold,” one protestor told The Broadway Beat, waving a sign that read ‘Don’t be a loony, give us The Goonies’. “People have been reimagining and readapting for as long as storytelling has been with humanity, and conveniently the best stories were things I was exposed to between the ages of seven and 17.”
Some fans seemed to really put the "cult" in "cult classic".
“The root of the word apocalypse is a greek word meaning ‘to reveal knowledge’,” Phill Eden, self proclaimed Goonies super fan, told us while carving eldritch runes into his flesh. “To embrace this profane truth is to accept that you can do a stage adaptation of literally anything. With the coming hellfire we shall witness a golden age of broadway that bends both reality and stage to the will of dark gods. Why stop at established media? Why not have a one woman show about The Battle of Blair Mountain, or an Oingo Boingo jukebox musical. Great stories are only written in blood and fire, and The Goonies musical will bring about that day of final judgement from which all other madness ascends.”
When approached for comment, Universal Pictures told us to stop asking about a Weird Science musical.