by Ned Arnold. @theonlyned.
NEW YORK, NY - Disaster struck in Midtown today, when a confused waiter, Ben Kingsbaum, 26 (but can play younger), delivered sides of a dramedy he was planning to audition for, The Ends Justify Being Mean, to a table of four at his restaurant. At the audition for Ends, which starts rehearsals in two weeks, he was forced to perform with a side of endless breadsticks.
“I don’t get it,” said Bradley Kenuchy, father of the family and tasteless rube. “Where’s the rest of the script? How can we understand the throughline of the character without knowing his entire arc throughout the play? And where’s our breadsticks?”
His children agreed, as they were last seen eating bits of the paper and puzzling over the main character’s motivation. Meanwhile, the director, Frank Hendrickson, was enthralled by Ben’s performance, as well as his decision to let them eat the breadsticks after.
“It had depth, it had gravitas, it was filling but ultimately left room for the meal,” Hendrickson said, snacking on one of the many left over nummies. “It was everything we’re looking for in the theatre. A bold and unconventional choice that, most importantly, allowed us to save on ordering lunch.”
The producer, Angela Harris, concurred, and said the only thing that could’ve made the performance better would be if he had projected more, and also brought a cup of marinara sauce for dipping.
“This might cause a total sea change in the New York theatre scene,” Harris said while wiping her hands with a wet nap. “Soon, all desperate young actors might steal food from their jobs and bring it to us. What a moment for the dramatic arts.” Harris was last seen adding her dietary restrictions, as well as some dessert suggestions, to a casting notice.
Ben, for his part, was shocked but pleased.
“I know it was a risk, but the theatre is all about risks. Risks, and stealing food.” He then departed for his other job as a housing drywall technician, where another recent mixup caused him to remove every fourth wall from a 52 story building.