Top Five Worse Things Than Staring at the Water as You’re Posing for a Picture Being Painted by Your Lover After Sleeping on the Ferry After Getting Up at 7 to Come Over to an Island

by Reilly Wilmit. @Reilly.Wilmit.

NEW YORK, NY – Uh-oh! You were looking forward to some fun in the sun this Labor Day weekend, but not like this! However, as we at The Broadway Beat always say, things could be worse!

So grab your parasols, slather on some SPF, and get ready to practice that concentration as we list off the top five worse things than staring at the water as you’re posing for a picture being painted by your lover after sleeping on the ferry after getting up at seven to come over to an island half an hour from the city on a Sunday to do this summer!

5. Dying of Consumption

Your collar is damp, your bustle is slipping, and gosh darn it – now your foot is dead! But at least you are still very much alive, and you haven’t surreptitiously coughed blood into a handkerchief to hide your inevitable fate from your unsuspecting loved-ones once! It’s the little things. 

4. Succumbing to Gangrene After Unetherized Surgery

Why is it that your standoffish artist situationship always gets to sit in the shade, while you have to stand in the sun? But hey, you know what’s worse than standing in the sun? Lying on a surgical bed after your hotshot surgeon tried to beat his own personal record chopping off your foot with a rusty knife as fast as humanly possible. Major bummer, dude!

3. Being Trampled By a Horsedrawn Taxicab and Left for Dead in the Cobblestone City Streets

Staring directly into the blinding sun for hours on end is quite the headache, but you know what’s more of a headache? Thousands of pounds of horse muscle and wrought-iron wheels flattening your internal organs after knocking you to the ground at full speed. Not exactly the ideal way to spend a summer day, in this writer’s opinion!

2. Walking into the Sea Never to be Seen Again After Being Laughed Out of the Paris Salon for Your Radical Impressionist Style

Have you ever wondered why artists are so bizarre, fixed, and cold? Maybe it’s because they live in fear of being humiliated so completely that they have to retreat to the shoreline, letting the waves consume them in lieu of their devastating shame, and the life of abject destitution that surely awaits. Count your blessings, diva!

1. Forgetting Your Beach Towel

You knew it was coming, bitch! Absolutely nothing is worse than forgetting your beach towel at home! The sand is sooooooooo hot, and it gets everywhere!