by Kevin Burke. @ke7inburke.
NEW YORK, NY - The Broadway community has been abuzz this week as word of a new musical production in the works has begun to spread. In what many insiders are calling a “very obvious outcome to everyone,” recent reports suggest that an unnamed famous actor has just been cast as the lead – a role that would’ve definitely gone to you otherwise, likely been your big break, and led to a long life of wealth and admiration.
“It’s just a shame,” said professional psychic Betty Parker, who has never gotten a prediction wrong and bills by the hour. “This would’ve been a perfect role for you, the person reading this article right now, and it’s disappointing that some Hollywood hot-shot thinks they can swoop right in and take your almost-glory.”
Although they have not yet announced which famous actor ripped this opportunity out of your cold, lifeless fingers, casting director Brian Songsmith also revealed to the Beat this week that it was someone with next to no experience in stage acting, unlike yourself, who majored in musical theatre and has demonstrated their passion in the field for years.
“It wasn’t really that hard of a decision,” said Songsmith, who was struggling to even remember your name when I brought you up. “I mean, think about it. Why would I hire some random local performer when I could just hire Brad Pitt. Oh fuck, I wasn’t supposed to say that. Damn… whatever… yeah, it’s Brad Pitt.”
Word of this disappointing news has already begun to spread among your circle of close friends and family, with your mom particularly having a lot to say about this decision.
“It’s unbelievable. I’m still in shock,” said your mother, the woman who birthed you and supposedly loves you no matter what. “That is, I’m still in shock that my child actually thought they deserved a part over Brad Pitt. My kid is lovely, don’t get me wrong – but have you seen Bullet Train? Brad is in it. I’m going to rent that one tonight, and I’m sure he’ll be great in this musical thing too. I don’t even care if he can’t sing.”
Songsmith also suggested that Mr. Pitt never even auditioned for the role, never saw a script, and wasn’t really interested in Broadway at first, with additional reports confirming that he, in fact, “just wanted to stick it to you.”