“Would You Mind Getting Up for a Twelfth Time?”: Editorial by That Person in the Middle of the Row

by Corey Pajka. @CPajka, @corey_does_thingsnyc.

Greetings, fellow audience member. It’s me again! I know the play only started 57 minutes ago, but since you’ve already done it eleven times before - would you mind getting up for a twelfth time?

I’m sure this is wearing on you, but come on, be reasonable. We’re all here to celebrate and enjoy live theatre, right? My oblivious, repeated intrusions aren’t antithetical to that, or a stark example of what you don’t do when you’re in a place like this. Cut me some slack. Would you like a Lifesaver as penance? I’ll even unwrap it for you!

I might be elderly, disabled, or suffering a personal emergency - I mean, I’m not, but I could have been! I probably wouldn’t need to go to the restroom so often if I just eased up on this adult sippy cup I got at concessions, you say? Okay, you’ve got me! The truth is I have no comprehension of just how annoying I am, which in turn makes me even more annoying!

We keep running into each other, don’t we? I’m in the cubicle adjacent to yours at the office, carrying on conversations for hours at a volume that’s hardly work appropriate.

Last weekend I nearly plowed into you from behind while riding my bike on the sidewalk bellowing, “bike right, needle dick!”

Wait until you see me on the subway tomorrow at rush hour. My messenger bag is so much more deserving of a seat than you, your pregnant partner, or anyone who actually is elderly or disabled.

Well, enjoy the rest of the show. I’m off to the restroom. After that I’ll refill this sippy cup of mine and drink it all before the next act, guaranteeing that I’ll have to get up again during the second half. I’ll also repeatedly ask the person I came with what I missed and bring a Wikipedia synopsis up on my phone when they refuse to answer in embarrassment.

See you at Hadestown. I can’t wait to experience two kinds of hell with you!