by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
DOYLESTOWN, Penn. - Well, this is embarrassing. Local dumb shit idiot ass couple Mel and Barbara Wummingham celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary today, neglecting to account for the fact that tonight is also the premiere of PBS’ WICKED in Concert, the couple - who should feel really fucking stupid - confirmed.
“Every time we told people it was our 60th, they congratulated us, but after we told them the date, they just scoffed and called us things like ‘idiot shit dummy’,” noted Barbara, who has spent six decades in imperfect yet rewarding matrimony with the man she considers a part of her truest soul and who is also a moron, apparently. “I don’t see what people can’t be happy for us and the show. Plus, we were married before Wicked was even a thing! Why do you keep asking to see my elementary school diploma?”
The duo - who probably have water balloons filled with off-brand whipped cream in place of their god damn brains - are celebrating with a walk through the public park they first met, followed by a gorgeous dinner with several generations of family attending, many of whom are not pleased with the date.
“Pop Pop and Nonna’s love is inspiring, but their choice of date? Humiliatingly stupid. I can’t believe I share blood with these ass shit dumb fuck losers,” noted granddaughter Olivia, 7. “Why can’t we just record the dinner and watch it later?”
However, not all patrons were upset by the scheduling conundrum.
“A love like theirs is rare. It should be cherished, respected, and most importantly - celebrated,” noted cousin Sam Hill, holding a chopped onion under his eyes in an attempt to cry. “I was also, like, this close to booking Fiyero on tour. But that has nothing to do with me boycotting the concert. Congrats to Mike and Jessie on the baby or whatever.”
At press time, this pair of absolute halfwitted dolts - who should be legally required to live off the grid cause they’re so fucking stupid - were seen holding hands on the porch of their quaint home, smiling as they looked into each other’s eyes and knowing that no matter what others think, they’ve been changed, for good.