• Broadway Beat

Doctor Pronounces Two Teens Dead Following Embarrassing Stage Kiss

by Alex O’Connor. Twitter: @alexanderAOC1. Instagram: alexanderhans_.

AKRON, Oh. - Two students have died at Lincoln High School during rehearsals for the fall play, Romeo and Juliet. Doctors at the scene declared the cause of death to be embarrassment.


“Apparently they both forgot to close their eyes,” said Doctor Lindsey Medina, who tried to revive the students by making their classmates delete the cringey videos of the kiss. “Neither person puckered their lips, so they just sort of bumped faces. I’ve seen many cases just like this, and it always ends in certain death.”


Eric Rivera, a senior planning to audition for the now vacant role of Romeo, was not impressed with the deceased actors’ performance.


“It was pretty awkward,” said Rivera, who insisted he’s had sex like a dozen times. “I knew it was a mistake to cast freshmen as the leads. I felt bad for laughing, but he completely missed her mouth. To be honest, I almost died of embarrassment just watching them. They didn’t even use tongue. Lame.”


Christie Harmon, the show’s director, was upfront about her own stage kissing experience.


“I once did a Meisner scene where we just made out for 30 minutes,” said Harmon while making two hand puppets kiss. “I did Equus in college and got completely naked on stage. Yes, full nudity. My co-star died when his parent’s surprised him on opening night after he told them not to come. I thought a little peck was no biggie. My condolences to the families.”


A vigil is being hosted to honor the memory of the two teenagers, whose faces are still bright red. The students are being buried in the school courtyard alongside former student-actors who played Danny and Sandy, Nathan Detroit and Miss Adelaide, and the one kid who forgot to take his microphone off before peeing.