Shocking! Local Woman Discovers Toxic Ex is Actually Three Neil LaBute Protagonists in a Trenchcoat

by Caroline Lyell. @Caro__lyell.

FRESNO, CA. - 32-year old UX Designer Aubrey Merrick was stunned to find out that her ex-boyfriend of two years – and self-proclaimed “indie screenwriter/entrepreneur” - was actually three male protagonists from the plays of Neil LaBute stacked together in a trenchcoat.

“Looking back, there were so many obvious signs” said Merrick, discarding Logan Paul branded energy drinks previously purchased by her ex. “He would talk about how it was emasculating for me to make more money than him, and that he didn’t trust any of my male friends. Plus any time I’d ask him why he never took the trench coat off, or how he had two extra pairs of hands and feet, he’d call me a bitch and run out of the room.”

Adam Carter, the protagonist who played the top portion of the 3-man trench coat setup, felt that the relationship had run its course.

“I promise that I’m a really nice guy, but no one can deal with constant nagging!” Carter lamented while thumbing through his Jordan B. Peterson book collection. “She constantly asked me how my day was, or why I always commented on my ex’s bikini photos with the peach emoji. It’s like, you should be grateful that I settled for you when I could have had dozens of other women! And trying to keep your balance while sitting on the shoulders of two other guys is really taxing on your lower back.”

Guy Easton, who performed as the legs of the trio, looked back fondly on his time with Aubrey.

“I wouldn’t say that I ‘put her on a pedestal.’ It’s just that I could never see her through the coat, so I imagined her to possess every physical attribute that I find attractive in a woman,” Easton remarked while rewatching 500 Days of Summer. “But when I saw that her hair wasn’t the exact shade of blonde I wanted, I knew I had to get out. Figuratively and literally, because that coat did not have good ventilation.”

In the future, Merrick plans to be more particular when choosing a romantic partner.

“Next time, I’ll date a William Finn character. At least they go to therapy.”