by Dan Kozuh. @dankozuh.
NEW YORK, NY - A group of family and friends who had gathered together to confront renowned theatre director Forrest Stephens about his out of control drug habit were abruptly stopped by Stephens so he could give notes on their performances, sources within the room report.
“First off, I just want to say that was fantastic, and I want to commend you all on a brilliant first take in trying to convince me to turn my life around,” Stephens said while flipping wildly through pages of handwritten notes. “I do have some notes that I think will really bring this intervention home. I think you all need to pick up the pace a little and get to blaming me for all our family's problems a little sooner. Dad, don’t change a thing. The way you just sat there emotionless while drinking whiskey and only saying that you think I don’t have a problem was perfection. The rest of you, however…”
Many of the attendees were taken aback by Stephens’ studied approach to the intervention process.
“He said that I played the part of his best friend to a tee. But then he said that he thought I should play it with the unspoken subtext that I got blasted with him just last night,” noted concerned friend Rob Burke while slipping away to the bathroom for the fifth time. “Which is true, but I wish he didn’t say it out loud. Then he critiqued me and said I came off a little stilted, and to try harder to cover up the fact that I’m his dealer. It didn’t get much better from there.”
Intervention mediator Dr. Kristine Estrada admitted this was new for her, and that she wasn’t sure how best to proceed.
“His open candor through the veil of directing a play was actually kind of refreshing. He said his mother’s crying felt forced, gave his ex-wife motivation for even being here, and he said that his brother’s refusal to look up from his phone was inspired,” Dr. Estrada said after Stephens told everyone to take a ‘quick five’. “However, he claimed my want in this scene was to get paid. He recommended I go home and really try to remember why I went into this profession in the first place. I don’t know what a ‘want’ is, but I’ll admit, he wasn’t wrong.”
As of press time, Stephens had stated that he was going to step out of the room and come back in to take it from the top.