by Louie Aronowitz. @louiearonowitz.
WESTCHESTER, NY - Following a string of performances for the last 25 years, Off-Off-Off-Off-Off Broadway dinner theater County Playhouse was revealed to be bad at both food and shows, revealing sources confirmed.
“I don’t know what I was expecting, it’s a theater in a mall,” stated theater-goer Christy Banner as she snuck out to narrowly escape an impending meet and greet. “Dinner was basically fast food, possibly from the food court. My dental hygienist was playing Sandy and she is just the worst - though it got really bad when the music from the Hollister next door echoed in from the mall.”
Lead actor Marshal Rind commented on the performance, stating the theater is suffering due to short staff.
“The kitchen gets slammed and there’s not enough line cooks or servers,” he began explaining while unfortunately doing vocal warmups for those around him. “On top of that, the stage gets slammed because not enough actors auditioned: I had to play Danny AND Kenickie! At the same time! And I specifically told them I can’t sing - it’s not my fault I was cast to do harmonies with myself.”
Theater owner Marvin Calloway also commented on the quality of the theater, expressing, mainly, apathy.
“It’s dinner theater in the suburbs. They’re lucky I don’t just show Grease on VHS on one of those TV carts the 4th-grade substitute teachers would always roll out then order Taco Bell for everyone,” Calloway added while casting the next show at the theater by randomly choosing names from a hat. “Besides, failing at both means they cancel each other out, because they distract from one another; double jeopardy!”
It was later revealed Calloway planned to bring Dear Evan Hansen to his theater, to which star Ben Platt responded, “Low stakes theater near my house in the suburbs where they won’t care how old I look? Yeah, I’m in, let’s go!”