by Caitlin Bitzegaio. @caitorade.
NEW YORK, NY - Despite enthusiasm for many new exciting shows like A Strange Loop and revivals of classics such as The Music Man, Broadway weekly grosses are staggeringly low, worrying producers and causing them to try just about anything to attract audiences, except for lowering ticket prices.
“We’ll do anything to get people in the door, aside from just making tickets cheaper, of course,” said producer Richard Langly, who spoke to us from his second-best yacht. “We’re hiring an outside consulting company to pitch us some specialty cocktails that might really turn the dial. I think that’s what audiences want.”
Calling upon all their academic training, producers have scoured their brains for any possible way to bolster their sales that are specifically not making the show affordable for more people.
“We’ve invited celebrities to see the show to capitalize on the social media exposure,” producer Miranda Lail offered while throwing last year’s Hermes bag in the trash. “Given the choice, I think a theater-goer would rather see a show that they know Real Housewife of New York star Ramona Singer previously attended than pay a lower price.”
Average ticket prices have surged from $78.94 in 2007 to $122.73 in 2019. Ticket prices are only rising from there, which producer Beth Garland attributes to a number of factors.
“Hamilton, COVID, you know, gas prices maybe?” she noted before throwing down a smoke bomb to escape the line of questioning. “What if we actually raise the prices? That way our product could be perceived as elite! More elite? Just spitballing here,” Garland yelled from behind a dissipating cloud of smoke.
At press time, Langley was quick to offer a few alternative for cash-strapped fans.
“There’s a lot of ways to get access to shows that aren’t paying full-price,” screamed Langley from the helipad of his boat. “There’s rush tickets, apps, maybe you’re Sutton Foster’s niece or something?”