• Broadway Beat

Big Budget “Dear Evan Hansen” Replaces Tree Climbing Incident with Sexy, Coke-Fueled Speedboat Chase

by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.

LOS ANGELES - The upcoming film adaptation of Dear Evan Hansen has revealed that its budget is upwards of $100 million, allowing the creative team to take certain liberties with the script - such as replacing the tree climbing incident in which Evan breaks his arm with a big, nasty, sexy, ab-drenched, coke-fueled speedboat chase, sources confirmed.


“No film adaptation is entirely true to the source material, and we’re pretty sure they fucked up and added an extra zero to our check, so might as well run with it,” noted producer Adam Siegel while sitting next to the four dozen Gucci arm casts they purchased for Evan’s wardrobe. “Instead of wondering through the woods, Evan will now be racing a luxury, V-style offshore speedboat against Daniel Craig and Migos. It just felt right.”


Ben Platt, reprising his Tony-winning stage role in what is a huge step forward in geriatric casting, expressed his excitement at the advancements.


“The money really allowed us to do some things that we couldn’t on stage,” noted Platt, who shared that he did his own stunts for the film, including the new sky diving sequence during “Waving Through a Window”. “Does Evan needs to blow up a car with a pen after ‘For Forever’? No. Does it rule? Also no, honestly. But did we do it because we could? Yeah.”


Die-hard fans of the musical were quick to point out some other easter eggs from the film’s trailer.


“Is… is Connor CGI?” questioned fan Laura Dunell, who already has tickets for the film’s 4D IMAX experience. “The musical is a small, deeply human story of acceptance. I’m all for making the most out of the medium, but did they have to add that subplot about stealing the statue of liberty? How does that even make sense? Evan doesn;t have nearly enough friends to pull off a job like that.”


At press time, the film’s producers are hoping that the box office returns can set up for a full franchise of Evan adventures, including a crossover with the Fast & Furious franchise, and a sequel where Evan accidentally sends a letter to space, sparking an intergalactic war in which he’s humanity’s last hope but also he’s still shyyyyy.