by Mike Abrams. @TheWrongCatDied.
KOKOMO, IN - Longtime Indiana native and my third uncle twice removed Mitch Prance has shared his review of nine-time Tony-nominated Broadway sensation New York, New York, calling it “Too Dangerous," and adding the fact that he hasn't actually seen the show.
“I’ve never been to New York City, let alone to see one of those singing shows. But every weeknight from 8-10pm on the news, I hear all about how dangerous the city has become, so that show has to be dangerous too,” grumbled Uncle Mitch as he cooked grits on his gas stove. “If I wanted to get the thrill of New York crime without the danger, I’d just turn on Law & Order: SVU from the comfort of my La-Z-Boy recliner in my mancave.”
Mitch continued with his review by listing off his thoughts on other aspects of New York, New York.
“Singing and dancing in Times Square? You've gotta be out of your mind. Times Square is dangerous. Central Park is dangerous. The subway is dangerous. The Manhattan District Attorney’s Office is dangerous. Katz Deli isn’t as good as Shapiros, and Sinatra is from Jersey!”
Mitch’s third wife – who I still call “Aunt Katherine” despite her being four years younger than me – is dying to see New York, New York, or any Broadway show for that matter.
“We only get a few shows each year with Broadway on Tour, so I go with my girlfriends to every Sunday matinee since Mitch doesn’t like to miss the Colts games,” gushed Aunt Katherine as she holds her most prized possession, a Playbill from when she saw Ghost - The Musical at the Murat Theatre in 2014. “I told Mitch about my favorite musical Ghost and he said they picked the wrong Patrick Swayze movie, going on a long rant on why The Outsiders is better.”
Aunt Katherine’s 16-year old son from her first marriage – who I still call Cousin Gregory despite him not being a blood relative – is an avid theatre fan with hopes of going to AMDA when he graduates high school.
“I performed as Mr. Mistoffelees in our fifth grade production of CATS before Mitch forced me to go to this weird camp,” shared cousin Gregory as he rearranged his sheet music for his high school’s upcoming production of Newsies he has hidden in an old Bible. “Mitch hates coming to my shows, but I convinced him to see Newsies by telling him it was about unions. His only review of our show was that it reminded him that my generation doesn’t understand what a hard day's work really is.”
Aunt Katherine and Cousin Gregory hope to convince Uncle Mitch to see the touring production of Chicago when it comes to Indianapolis this summer. When asked, Uncle Mitch replied “Chicago? Even more dangerous.”