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  • Writer's pictureBroadway Beat

Confirmed! Casting Directors Have Group Chat to Shit Talk You Specifically

by Rebecca Ballinger. @reberkk.

NEW YORK, NY - After months of thorough investigation, The Broadway Beat has found evidence that every casting director has been communicating with each other via a single group chat. The chat’s purpose? Shit talking you, specifically.


“This actor is an absolute trainwreck. I knew I couldn’t be the only person who saw this,” stated Domainic Theatre Casting Director Mattie Barr, who coincidentally founded the group chat the same day you had your first audition. “I asked a few of my colleagues if they also noticed that this actor’s hair is half an inch longer in their headshot, and the chat just ballooned from there. It’s honestly the only reason I wake up in the morning,” Barr added while throwing darts at your sloppy AF headshot.


Max Sanchard, Casting Associate with Uprise Stage and the chat’s most active member, was eager to comment.


“I get more validation from this chat than I do from my therapist. This actor auditioned last week and stuttered in their slate. Can you believe it? They sounded like a dumb little baby!” Blanchard spouted while doing his best impression of you slating like a dumb little baby. “I immediately texted the group and they were like ‘LOL NOT SURPRISED.’ Then we all listed our top three things we hate most about the actor who is reading this article right now.”


Stacy Alko, the newest chat member and Interim Casting Director at Blackbox Arts, was initially hesitant about joining the group.


“I thought the chat was mean-spirited, so I invited this actor to submit a self-tape out of pity. But get this: they only sang thirty bars. Thirty! I mean yes, it made sense with the song's arc, but by neglecting those two bars, this actor blatantly disrespected our entire industry!” Alko snarled while hosting a viewing party of your self-tape projected onto the back alley dumpster. “I instantly texted Mattie, ‘Add me to the chat, girl! I need to DISHHHH!’”


When asked why they keep inviting you to auditions, every casting director admitted to just wanting new material to keep the group chat going and not at all because you do good work.

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