by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
NEW YORK, NY - Omigod, omigod you guys! Casting has officially been announced for the highly anticipated Legally Blonde revival that we just made up in the tub fifteen minutes go.
Tony nominee Ashley Park headlines the production as Elle Woods, marking her first stage performance since 2019’s Grand Horizons - a detail we had to look up after, because we don’t trust ourselves to use our phone in the bath.
Opposite Park as her nerdy-yet-charming, soon-to-be love interest Emmett Forrest is Hamilton’s own Daveed Diggs. A fun casting choice that would allow Diggs to dive deeper into his traditional vocal repertoire, while infusing the production with enough crossover star appeal to be financially viable. We haven’t run the numbers because that’s not fun to think about, but we feel comfortable moving on.
Paulette is a tricky role, as on the surface - much like the surface of our tubby water, which still has some bubbles cause we put too much in - it might appear ripe for stunt casting. “Ireland” does require true vocal chops, however, so perhaps a fun choice that checks all boxes could be recent Chicago star Jinkx Monsoon.
Only for a limited run, however - after which Jinkx would be replaced by a performer we forgot, cause we dropped our L'Oréal Kids fish bottle of shampoo in the tub and it became a whole thing. We use L'Oréal Kids because it’s no tears and honestly, you don’t have to be a kid to use it. That’s what the government doesn’t want you to know.
The rest of our casting gets a little less “star-focused”, as there isn’t a huge budget for this production. The pandemic was highly detrimental to the theater industry, and it’s difficult to strike a balance between the star power needed to sell tickets and the delicate financial structure of theatrical production. Also, unrelated, but we swallowed a lot of bath water and our stomach hurts.
Warner Huntington III will be played by Derek Klena - wait, no, we forgot we changed our minds on that. Derek will be busy doing the An American in Paris revival on the West End; a detail we made up but could kind of see happening, right? He’ll be played by someone who once played Hans in Frozen. Stomach really hurts by the way.
Vivienne Kensington will be played by someone who’s currently in the ensemble of, like, Moulin Rouge! or Aladdin or something. We’ll look up the casts and choose someone later.
Professor Callahan? Now there’s your stunt cast. We went with Al Roker, and after Al Roker we thought it could be cool if it were Joel McHale. He’s a little too old for Emmett and also not sure he can sing. Has he ever done theatre? He would probably be good!
You ever do that thing where you bring a cup in the tub and fill it up and pour it out over and over?
Finally, we’ve got Brooke Wyndham, a minor yet pivotal role in the musical that should be played by a real-life fitness personality.
We can’t name any (our gym membership was revoked after someone asked us to “spot them” and we counted to 30, assuming they were gonna hide), but we looked some up after and the first Google result was someone named Denise Austin, so let’s go with her. Not gonna look up anything about her because owwwwy, the stomach.
So, there you have it! Lead casting for Legally Blonde coming to Broadway in Spring of 2025, directed by - let’s be realistic - Casey Nicholaw.