by Jason Keane. @AKeaneMachine.
NEW YORK, NY - As Broadway theaters prepare to open up for the fall season, producers are adapting to post pandemic times by replacing the usual discounted standing room areas with sections specifically for those who have a cough, sources confirmed.
“Health and safety is our first concern when reopening the theater, but we don’t think it will be our audience's concern,” said Peter McGillis, the man behind this new concept, while using an on fire wad of hundreds to light his cigar. “People want live theater so bad that they watched that Ratatouille thing from TikTok. They’re desperate. What kind of producers would we be if we didn’t capitalize on that?”
Pam Darcy, owner of the Lyceum Theater, spoke to us about how they are changing theaters to accommodate this decision;
“It’s a very easy change, honestly,” Darcy said while guiding in workers carrying large plexiglass walls. “We’re gonna section off that weird part of the orchestra with the terrible sightline and cover it like a fishbowl. After we open the house, we’re gonna be watching the audience like hawks. Anyone coughs, sneezes, or just looks sick, we’re throwing them in there. Fifteen minutes before curtain, we’re gonna open up the cough section to the public. People can risk it all for a Wednesday matinee of Book of Mormon.”
While many people are excited about this change, some, including CDC Health Official Maggie Thompson, have raised concerns;
“I cannot fathom a worse idea than this,” yelled Thompson, appropriately standing six feet from us. “Maybe instead of rushing to open live theater, producers could make it more accessible by streaming performances. Not only would they still be doing shows and employing theatrical professionals, but also keep the public safe.” After this comment, a group of producers listening in the background burst into laughter.
At press time, fans who do not currently have a minor cold were planning to fake their way into the discounted section by entering the theater holding a handkerchief covered in fake blood.