by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
NEW YORK, NY - The shutdown of all Broadway shows due to the coronavirus has been extended through at least June 7th, not only in order to limit the spread of COVID-19, but also because those darn Sing Street ne'er-do-wells earned themselves another eight weeks of detention for playing the devil’s music and doing all kinds of crazy things to their hair, sources confirmed.
“If those kids want to defy their parents, their community, and their church by playing those dang guitars and drums and singing about love, then this is what they get,” noted New York governor Andrew Cuomo. “We’ll keep giving them detention until they clean up their acts and start wearing the right type of dress shoes. Heck, we’ll even give them summer school. I’ll hold them back a year, personally, if needed. Anything to get that dreaded rock music out of our community’s conservative ears.”
Although only Sing Street has been affected by the casts’ actions, the rest of Broadway’s catalog has also extended their shut down due to the cast’s actions.
“These darn rocking deviants are ruining it for everyone,” noted The Phantom of the Opera cast member Mathieu Allwell von Dismarrou. “Our show is a classy, sweeping affair, but these Duran Duran jailbirds are giving all of Broadway a bad rep. They’re scaring everyone off Broadway, so now we too must delay. We can’t even sell tickets because our tuxedo-clad patrons are afraid of the sound bleed from their paltry little tale. I feel chagrin!”
Cast members from the show were defiant in their refusal to stop rocking, loving, and most importantly, dreaming.
“We’re not gonna let our parents or our teachers boss us around anymore,” noted ensemble member Ben Lopen. “We’re doing this for our souls, and for the souls of kids like us around the world - and also because we booked the roles and the contracts are good. This is life… drive it like you stole it.”
At press time, the cast of Sing Street were seen sitting in the Broadway detention center along with, for some reason, the actor who plays Oz Fudge in Come From Away - all waiting for Broadway League Chairman Thomas Schumacher, who chaperones all sessions, to fall asleep so that they could tie his shoes to the desk and blow that corporate pop stand for an afternoon of singing, songwriting, and embracing life’s true adventure.