by Devin Wallace. @thedevinwallace.
NEW YORK, NY - The Broadway League announced today - in an effort to minimize burnout and exhaustion among performers, many of whom perform up to eight shows per week - that they plan to limiting all shows to a single, never-ending 168-hour performance per week, the organization confirmed.
“By staging just one performance that takes up every available hour in the week, we’ll get rid of the burden actors face from extraneous activities like commuting home, asking their children about their days, or contemplating the backbreaking and soul-crushing weight of their Broadway schedule,” said Broadway League Board Member Carol Denny, who gained experience for her current role by running a Victorian-era poorhouse for plucky orphans.
Ben LeDonne, an ensemble member in Jagged Little Pill, said he was happy not having a single free minute away from his job and even happier to say so while surrounded by the show’s producers, director, and his own very-pregnant wife.
“It’s, uh, it’s great, '' said LeDonne [editor’s note: LeDonne was shaking his head and mouthing the word “HELP”]. “I save $5.50 every day because I don’t ride the subway home anymore, which is perfect because I needed to buy a better data plan to FaceTime my family from the backstage supply closet during intermission. The reception is pretty bad, and if I take too long, a stagehand raps me on the knuckles with a little baton.”
Broadway experts are unsure if audiences will notice a difference in the energy and wellbeing of performers onstage. When asked if she’s in favor of the schedule changes, first-time Broadway attendee Loraine D’Arcangelo weighed in.
“Where is Wicked? Is Wicked still running? How and when can I do Wicked?” before walking away and repeating the same questions to a Times Square Elmo.
Board Member Carol Denny reiterated this was just one of many changes intended to keep performers feeling fresh for their performances. She’s excited to introduce additional elements to help lessen the time restrictions for performers, including shock collars, and a couple of random guys with air horns.