by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
NEW YORK, NY - A group of prominent Broadway producers have announced that their next high profile project is a fully original work by a diverse group of entirely undiscovered artists who hahaha APRIL FOOLS, got your ass, just kidding. Their next project is a Snow Dogs musical. Sucker.
“It’s time we started using our money and leverage to give underheard voices and ideals some mainstream appeal, which is just so imp… so importa… so... hahaha I’m sorry, I just can’t do it,” said Broadway heavyweight Stacks Beauregard while placing bright red balls on our noses. “No, no, we’re not gonna do that. We’re gonna do the Snow Dogs thing. People are gonna be not-auditioning with a song about bleu cheese for the next 40 years.”
Other producers - each armed with a banana cream pie perfect for throwing - were quick to join in on the fun.
“I’m gonna start a pledge to help fund the arts in underserved communiPSYCHE!!” said investor Buzz McCoin, who then threw his pie but honestly is kind of uncoordinated, so basically just dropped it and then stepped in it. “God I love April Fools’ Day. And I love every other day. I am so rich.”
Still, some theatre fans think that certain, particularly powerful industry names - who could work to reshape the theatre industry in a more progressive, inclusive fashion - took the joke a little too far.
“I was so excited when all of Broadway’s biggest backers mailed me a grant check to fund my dance academy for military veterans,” said Jennifer Turrun, a choreographer and volunteer with over a dozen charitable organizations and also she’s a nun. “I did think it was weird they put the check in a plastic tube. But when I opened it and a bunch of plastic snakes popped out, it made sense.”
At press time, the pranksters were seen filling up water balloons behind Shubert Alley, but as we mentioned before, they’re not very good at throwing, so they just keep stepping on them and getting their ankles wet.
The producers do plan to right their wrongs with something called “The Snow Dogs Initiative”, which will take a portion of proceeds from each performance of the musical and redirect that money to a local food baOH MY GOD. YOU FELL FOR IT AGAIN?! Saaaaaad.