by Edward Precht. @PertoltPrecht.
NEW YORK, NY – After over a year of delays brought on by the worldwide COVID-19 pandemic, Broadway has finally set its sights on reopening this September. As shows announce dates and tickets start to go on sale, those in charge of the Great White Way promise “sweeping changes” to their decades-long history of rampant power abuse, racial inequality, gender misrepresentation, and oh shoot oh heck we forgot to say “no takesies backsies.”
“This one’s on you,” said Broadway representative Jamie D’Amico while waving his finger all sassy. “My client promised to change for the better, to really step up and admit that their blanched, heteronormative approach to theatre is as much to blame for preventing the advancement of artistic expression as, say, any cold-hearted politician slashing an Arts budget. But, but, if you don’t tell them ‘no takesies backsies,’ legally-speaking, they can do whatever they want.”
We tried to argue with Mr. D’Amico – both a shrewd negotiator and third-grader at P.S. 41 – by claiming erasies, though he was quick to point out that there could be no reversies, certainly not after he already called quitsies, no tag-backs. And he’s not wrong. Quitsies? Maybe. But no tag-backs? Not a chance in hell.
“And it wouldn’t’ve mattered anyway! Broadway was crossing their fingers behind their back the whole time! Goodbye, Skeleton Crew! They’re gonna do, like, eight more Music Mans!” laughed D’Amico, after which he stuck out his tongue and went “Nyaah! Nyaah!”
Let’s be honest – we really goofed it on this one. We should’ve been quicker to call out “no takesies backsies,” especially since we knew, we knew they would never keep their promise. Broadway has let us down. Year after year, Our Town revival after Our Town revival. They are and always will be an elitist, self-aggrandizing worm – so caked in its own dirt it calls itself a mountain. We knew they couldn’t be held accountable to hold themselves accountable, and when we finally had the chance to stand up and say “Nice try, pal, but I can see Scott Rudin hiding behind that plant,” we beef it big time. Whoopsie-doodle.
Boy oh boy, is that on us.
Ah well. We’ll get ‘em next time. Broadway’s set to reopen in a few months. They’re bound to promise to “hold themselves accountable” by then – and when they do, there we’ll be, parked outside of West Side Story, ready and waiting.
In the meantime, we can always count on Hollywood. After all, the Golden Globes are oh heck oh no I knew we forgot something.