by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
NEW YORK, NY - The Broadway League announced today that all Broadway houses will officially remain shut until at least January 3rd, 2021, in response to safety concerns regarding the COVID-19 pandemic - that is, of course, unless YOU, the reader, can convince them to keep them open with one last show-stopping, life-affirming performance, sources confirmed.
“If you can’t pull off one last big blowout performance, then we’ll have no choice but to close Broadway for the year,” says Broadway League chairman Thomas Schumacher while huddled outside in the snow with the other Broadway League board members. “It’s a tough business, and we know you’re gonna have your work cut out for you. But hey, if anyone can save tens of thousands of jobs and reinstate a cultural touchstone for the masses, I believe it's you, the person reading this. We're all counting on you.”
Members of the theatre community were last seen outside of your window, hoping with wide eyes that you’ll give it just one more chance - for everyone’s sake.
“Come on, you’ve gotta try - you’ve just gotta!” noted Broadway legend Joel Grey with charcoal-stained cheeks. “I know you're nervous, but you gotta put them fears aside and give the world one last bang-em-up show, like the good old days! It may be Broadway’s last hope. Won’t you at least give it a shot?”
Other members of the community were less optimistic.
“Ha, you saving the day with just one last big number? I’ll believe it when I see it,” said the coronavirus itself while wearing a monocle and petting a tiger. “Face it - you’ll never be able to perform a song, perhaps on a rooftop, in a celebration of friendship and love so strong it defeats me and saves your puny theaters. Also I’m going to marry the person you’re in love with and performing one last number is, coincidentally, also the only way to win them back.”
At press time, members of the community were seen walking outside, hanging their heads in disappointment at your probable inability to perform a song so powerful and so rich, that it wipes out the virus and bring Broadway back hotter than ever. Reporters nationwide are still waiting on a comment from you on whether or not you'll take the leap and change the world, or if you'll just sit idly and disappoint your friends, your family, the community, and most of all, yourself.