Bored Theatre Kid Having Normal Thanksgiving Jealous of Those Motherfuckers from "The Humans"
by HaleyJane Rose. @haleyisfamous.
MIDDLEFIELD, Conn. - High School junior and active drama club member Kevin Jermacks announced today that he is bored with his normal, supportive family Thanksgivings and wishes they could be more like those dramatic motherfuckers from Stephen Karam’s play and now film adaptation The Humans.
“Every year my family just sits there politely passing potatoes saying what they're thankful for! It’s pathetic,” said Jermacks, brooding in a black turtleneck and trying to get caught smoking a cigarette. “If I learned anything from being a theatre fan, it’s that family meals are for bickering, long withstanding grudges and revealing decade-held secrets. For once I just wish someone would call me a disappointment and slap me across the face like they’re supposed to.”
Kevin’s father Ren, drinking coffee out of his “My Son Is #1” mug, had a different opinion regarding his son’s behavior.
“I guess I don’t love it when he throws plates across the room and begs us to tell him about affairs we’re definitely not having, but he’s a good kid and we’re proud of him,” he said, hanging his son’s most recent A+ paper to the refrigerator. “I keep telling him to invite his friends from Osage County that he’s always comparing us to! He always talks about them, so they must be swell.”
His sister, Lindsey, also expressed confusion towards her brother’s more tumultuous tendencies.
“I love my brother, but it’s always a little strange when he starts slurring his words and delivering a bone-chilling monologue about the socio-economic struggles he’s experienced,” she said, calmly wiping the sparkling apple juice her brother splashed in her face. “We love and support Kevin for who he is. Even if that is someone who makes desperate attempts to get our very healthy grandmother to reveal a terminal illness.”
This Thanksgiving, Jermacks announced that he intends to up the ante by bringing a boyfriend to the dinner that there’s no way they’ll approve of, for which his parents have already set an extra place setting and prepared a huge, hand-stitched “Welcome!” banner and accompanying song.