• Broadway Beat

Billionaire Adopts Orphan; Disappointed She Can't Sing or Dance

by Nat Hrvatin. @NatHrvatin.

NEW YORK, NY - Billionaire Herman Harris recently adopted a ten-year-old child from the New York Orphanage for Future Broadway Stars, disappointed to learn that his new orphan could neither carry a tune nor keep up with his staff’s coordinated tap routine.


“I do this one charitable thing - adopt this unknown curly-haired ragamuffin and try to make her a star on The Great White Way - but what do I get in return? A tone-deaf dud who has no idea what a time step is!” Harris commented while staring at a signed portrait of Andrea McArdle for several minutes. “It should be mandatory for orphans to learn a box step, at least.”


Personal assistant Leila Jones, who has asked Harris repeatedly not to call her Grace, explained her employer’s dilemma.


“Mr. Harris values giving a destitute child the chance to live in a loving home,” Jones commented while reviewing the orphanage’s return policy. “But, he believes that the orphanage has deceived him by including a resume with fake regional theatre credits and a forged equity card in the child’s name. He kindly requests an exchange for another child who has at least six years’ experience of jazz, tap, and ballet.”


Director of the orphanage, Jessie Pizzazz, after mimicking Carol Burnett’s performance of “Little Girls”, shared her perspective on the situation.


“The problem with these billionaires is that they’re expecting some cookie-cutter Annie imitation,” Pizzazz said while pouring gin into a bathtub. “My girls are unique and special, and we don’t have the budget for voice or dance lessons. Our adopters will have to make due with one of our sweet little girls, who, with autotune and green screen, could appear like flawless singers and dancers.”


Unable to find an orphan who is a true triple threat, Harris nullified the adoption paperwork. The billionaire’s next endeavor is to adopt a talented lion cub who sings, dances, and feels responsible for his father’s premature death.