You Won’t Believe This Meisner Class! You Won’t Believe THIS Meisner Class!

YOU Won't BELIEVE This Meisner Class!

by Lain Walls. @LainWalls.

MEDIA, Penn. - Philadelphia stage actor Ellie Goldwin isn’t just a nonunion talent; she’s a local celebrity. Goldwin, like all heroes, got her start in the most unlikely of places, a Sanford Meisner Technique acting class. A Sanford Meisner technique ACTING class. A SANFORD Meisner TECHNIQUE acting CLASS.

“When I taught the repetition technique, Ellie picked it up extremely quickly,” noted Mark Finn, Goldwin’s acting teacher, while pretentiously twirling his mustache. “Once I shared my philosophy - ‘Above all, you must commit.' - Ellie immediately took it to heart. In fact, she responded, ‘Above all, YOU must commit.’ Wow. I went home that day and proposed to my girlfriend, and I’ve never been happier. What an inspiration.”

Goldwin has trouble understanding the point of Meisner repetition, but she doesn’t let that stop her from employing it constantly. This commitment has led to her status as a local role model.

“Billy Parker was being super mean,” claimed Timmy Moore, a Media Elementary School student hanging from a tree branch by his wedgie. “He kept saying, ‘You’re a stupid-head!’ But then this lady appeared from nowhere, and was like, ‘YOU’RE a stupid-head!’ Billy was like, ‘I’m rubber, and you’re glue. Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you,’ and I thought she was done for, for sure. But then she was like, ‘I’M rubber, and YOU’RE glue. WHATEVER you say BOUNCES off of me and STICKS to YOU.’ Billy was crushed.”

But Ellie Goldwin doesn’t just inspire everyone she meets, she also saves lives.

“First, I said ‘scalpel,’ and she said, ‘scalpel.’ It kept going like that for a while,” began Dr. Gregory West, an operating surgeon that Goldwin inexplicably walked in on. “Then finally, I told her, ‘Get the scalpel.' She said, ‘Get THE scalpel.’ I didn’t know what that meant, so I asked, ‘Why don’t you get the scalpel?’ and all she said was, ‘Why DON’T you get the scalpel?’ She had a point. Why don’t I? I walked over to the drawer where I keep my scalpel, and I saw it: the cure for cancer! It was a miracle, and I owe it all to Goldwin.”

At press time, Goldwin will be collecting her key to the city tomorrow and will be making her Broadway debut at the end of the month in Aladdin, as the parrot.