by Hayden Wilder. @TheHaydenWilder.
BUFFALO, NY - Community plumber and casual musical theatre enthusiast, George Capelli, found himself in hot water with the Federal Bureau of Investigation after he absent-mindedly typed lyrics from the provocative Stephen Sondheim cult musical, Assassins, into the popular search engine.
“I don’t know what I was thinking,” claimed Capelli at his residence, as he scratched beneath his ankle monitor with a golf pencil. “I was simply trying to remember the song I heard on Sirius XM On Broadway that afternoon and all of a sudden, there’s a battering ram at my door. Thankfully, everybody’s got the right to an attorney. I approached the judge and ultimately agreed to a year of house arrest following one hundred hours of community service. In hindsight, maybe I should have left out the line about wanting to kill a president.”
Vanessa Capelli, George’s wife of thirteen years and local high school history teacher, weighed in.
“Listen, this isn’t the first pickle my Georgie has found himself in,” said Mrs. Capelli, already on her third margarita of the interview. “Just a few years ago, he attempted to promote the community theatre production of Bonnie and Clyde he was featured in by actually robbing the local bank. This has been an ordeal but I’m choosing to look on the bright side. This house arrest has probably brought us even closer than ever. Though I’d really appreciate it if he’d stop trying to sing Valjean’s part of ‘The Confrontation’ at me.”
Brad Connors, the FBI intelligence analyst who reported Capelli, still swears it wasn’t personal.
“Here’s the thing. We have a protocol to follow. We are required to examine every potential threat in the country. And that includes novice fans of Off-Broadway cast recordings,” insisted Connors, who asked us to keep his name confidential, to which we decided, "nah". “Also, I’m more of a Webber guy anyway. Wait, you’re not recording me, are you?”
When Sondheim was reached for comment on this incident, he responded: “how the hell did you get into my apartment?”