Archaeologists Unearth Ancient Greek Remains of Rotating Stage

by O. V. Ashbury.

ATHENS, Greece —  Northeastern University professor Shannon Matheson announced today that a recent dig uncovered the remains of a rotating stage, a structure previously unknown to researchers of ancient Greek theatrical traditions. 

“The rotating stage’s outer rim appears to be optimized for introspective pacing,” stated Matheson, wiping up drool and placing a textbook over her lap. “Staging notes found nearby support this conclusion. They say that every play that won the ritualistic competition at the City Dionysia included two elements to appease the gods. The first was intricate costuming fit to gladden the hearts of those who worship the shining rulers of Olympus. The second was a sexy, troubled lead scream-singing exposition while taking a mental health walk that goes nowhere.”

Dr. Lex Paynton, a researcher and lecturer from Pepperdine University, had a different opinion regarding the new discovery.

“Attention-grabbing staging was typical in the classical Greek world,” said Paynton, while grading yet another AI-generated essay. “Just last year at a dig in Eleusis, we discovered a giant light fixture from 498 BCE dedicated to Zeus. It was attached to a simple overhead rig that lowered the fixture over the heads of the audience by increments until the play's climax, when it dropped to its lowest point. The ritual made the well-off audience fear for their lives, possibly for the first time ever. This reminder of their mortality increased offerings tenfold from the previous year. Investors in the new rite were rolling in drachmas.”

Serenity Jeffries, a graduate student who works with Professor Matheson, wasn’t shocked by the find.

“Ancient staging gimmicks often covered up a lackluster plot, underwhelming performances, or uninspired musical orchestration. At a certain point, Athenian actors in big-budget plays started to pretend that they had superpowers by using rope & pulley systems to do death-defying backflips over the crowd. Simple and earnest tributes to Dionysus happened all over Athens, but those performances were often overlooked. Only the plays with the most spectacle got a shot at any Ptony awards.”

Matheson hopes to secure the funding necessary to unearth other implements used at the City Dionysia. Preliminary research points to the existence of sun-and-mirror machines that overlaid the back of the stage with a humongous projection of the lead actor’s face crying seductively.