by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
LONDON - Composer Andrew Lloyd Webber announced this week that he fully plans to reopen his West End theatres this month despite lockdown protocols, preparing to be arrested in the process. He has upped the ante today, however - positioning himself outside Her Majesty’s Theatre, wearing a vest made of keys to the theatre’s front door and shouting “come and get me, pigs!” at officers on the scene.
“Take one step closer and I swear, I’ll pull the cord,” shouted Webber, 73, his hair crazed in a “I’m not fucking around” way and not just a regular old man way. “Pulling the cord would, of course, release one of the keys, so I may open the theatre. Nobody would get hurt, unless you count the amelioration of live theatre to be hurtful, in which case, this shall be a massacre!” he added, in a statement that started so strong but honestly went on a little long.
Officers on the scene - armed with both pepper spray and a piano, in case Sir Webber feels inspired - remained professional throughout the conflict.
“He had some really creative anti-cop names for us,” noted Sergeant Louis Tallert, who admits he would be probably a fan of Webber's art if he had any soul left at all. “He called us ‘Human Bog Rolls,’ ‘Slod Muppets’, and kept telling us he was gonna sleep with our wives. The man has a way with words… it’s no wonder he’s a writer.”
Entertained onlookers flooded the streets to catch a glimpse of the theatre titan in action.
“Honestly, this was probably better than any show we’d see at the theatre,” noted Chelsea Pullman, who caught one of the keys that fell off Webber’s vest and asked him to sign it. “It did get intense when he threatened the cops to ‘back away or I’ll revive Starlight Express again’, but that just showed how much of a true madman he is.”
At press time, Webber - currently detained and awaiting sentencing for trespassing after dark and no other crimes - is planning a devious jailbreak, in which he will either use a piano tuner to dig through his cell walls, or just wait, like, a few hours before they let him out.