BREAKING: Your AI Headshot Booked an Equity Tour! Not You, Though
by Keeley Bell. @omgitskee.
NEW YORK, NY – This boutique casting agency believes they’ve cracked the code to a perfect casting, and that code is…code!
“When I first opened this agency, I knew I wanted to be ahead of the curve when it came to casting,” head agent Siri Cortana told us from their headquarters nestled deep inside the Uncanny Valley. "One day an awkward baritenor walked into my audition room with a headshot that looked like him if he was fathered by Buzz Lightyear. And that’s when it hit me: headshots can’t be awkward. Or in need of a law-mandated bathroom break. The actor was forced to surrender his likeness and his AI headshot was cast as Billy Flynn.”
But how does that work? you may ask. Cortana and her agents really don’t know.
“I’m not exactly sure what these AI-generated images are going to do on tour,” admitted costumer Alexa Google hard at work pulling outfits from an early 2000s dress-up computer game, “But don’t their wonky, dead eyes just look like they deserve a living wage and health benefits that they can’t use?”
Still thoroughly confused, we reached for comment from one of the actors who submitted an AI headshot to Cortana’s agency:
“I paid $9 on a website so my AI headshot would go viral on Tiktok a month ago, and now my AI headshot is headlining as Roxie Hart,” stated actress Justa Person, forced by the production to disguise her likeness with the Spongebob voice filter, “When I asked why they’d want an amalgamation of stolen art from the internet compressed into human form to headline their tour, they just said ‘Aren’t we all just an amalgamation of stolen art from the internet compressed into human form’? And I was like, ‘Damn. That’s deep.’”
Unfortunately, once she began questioning if this was part of a conspiracy for AI to begin telling human stories while humans are confined to tiny boxes and used as nothing more than information banks, she was shot in the neck by a tranquilizer dart, thus ending our interview.