Actors’ Equity: “We’ll Take Any of You Sick Little Slop Bags”
by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
NEW YORK, NY - Actors’ Equity Association announced this week that they are expanding membership to include any actor or crew member who has worked professionally in the United States, sharing that “we’ll take any of you sick little slop bags”, a statement which everyone agrees did not have to be said like that.
“We want to expand our resources to cover the diverse pool that makes up the entertainment industry, so nasty little sacks of pure, raw slop can be protected,” said AE President Natalie DeMurt, with a completely casual tone as if we are all supposed to just be ok with that wording. “We hope that this offers an opportunity to artists who previously didn’t qualify to get the rights they need, and to protect their sopping wet, crusty rights,” she added to audible cries of “why?” from the audience.
Details of the coverage provided have not been released, but preliminary notes include mentions of health insurance, 401(k) benefits, and something called “nasty slop protection”. When asked to explain what that last one means, a representative for Actors’ Equity claimed that “anyone who needs to know will know”, even though at this point we were practically begging for even a little context.
At press time, AE announced that they hope to expand services in the coming years beyond “slop bags” and to the likes of “gunk piles”, “sludge boxes”, and even “slime kids”, all without blinking. When asked if a limited run show met the criteria for joining the union, an AE rep noted that “it’s fine, we’re happy to take anyone’s money” and then quickly skittered away, as it was clear they’re not supposed to say that part out loud.