by Shai Altheim. @althyme.s.
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ. - Rutgers-New Brunswick acting sophomore Brett Myers reported feeling devastated about not receiving more followers by putting his Instagram handle in the program bio of his university’s production of Newsies, in which he portrayed the little-known character Brooklyn Newsie #4.
“I was prodigious! They should be scrambling to their phones!” he said while repeatedly refreshing his profile page, waiting for the number to tick from 248 to 249. “If they had just read my bio, I would already be one of those big NYC influencers with sponsorships from RAID: Shadow Legends.”
His program bio reads as follows:
Brett Myers (he/him) As a sophomore, Brett is ecstatic to portray his favorite character in Newsies. He has previously starred in his high school’s productions of Mamma Mia!(ensemble), Little Shop of Horrors (stage crew), and Into the Woods JR (audience member). Follow him on Insta @myersbrett42O and participate in his obvious MLM today (link in Linktree)!
Connor Brighton, an audience member and the captain of the intramural football team at Rutgers University, expressed confusion when questioned about why he didn’t immediately pull out his phone when reading Myers’s bio.
“Oh, the little booklet thingy? I thought it was the rules for the play,” stated Brighton, distracted by a compilation of all-time Patriots highlights playing on his iPhone. “After the bows, he took the mic from the director and plugged his Insta until he was tackled off the stage by some scary redhead.”
Amelia Evans, the stage manager of Newsies and the scary redhead, was not surprised by the outcome of Brett Myers’s attempt.
“No one reads the bios, so I don’t know what he was expecting,” she remarked while pummeling a sandbag with a printout of Brett’s face gaff-taped to it. “That douchebag deserved it. He came late to most rehearsals - said he was busy making reels in the bathroom mirror. During tech week, he made stickers with his Insta and stuck them around the school. I hope some comp-sci nerd hacks him.”
Myers continued to practice his Newsie bow well after the show’s closing. He said he hopes to one day make it across the river on Broadway. There, he plans to add his Twitter handle, where he exclusively reposts Lin-Manuel Miranda’s tweets and calls that "content."