by Riley Rogers. @wrylyrogers.
SYRACUSE, NY - 21-year-old recent recipient of a BFA in Musical Theatre, Melanie Parsons, has made the decision today to medically induce herself into a coma for the foreseeable future until she has reached a “castable age”.
“I think it’s best for my career if I just conk out until my mid-30s,” claimed Parsons as she packed away her off-brand LaDucas and shrine to Jennifer Simard into a storage container. “Do you think Mrs. Lovett in Sweeney Todd was ever a young woman? No way. She was born 45.”
Edgar Nash, one of Parson’s acting professors in college, reflected on his former student’s decision.
“Melanie is a very talented performer who has done great things in school, but she simply was never meant to be any younger than 35, tops,” the Meisner-follower noted while rolling up his vertebrae, one by one. “I think if I ever saw her as a baby, I’d be so weirded out. I’d think, ‘this baby has that Benjamin Button disease, I’m sure of it.’ She’s making the right choice.”
Melanie’s parents, Melissa and Henry Parsons, have a more critical view of their daughter’s decision.
“I have no idea why she’s doing this. I think she should just go out there and start knocking on the doors of Broadway theatres and ask who’s hiring,” Melanie’s mother sighed while gazing upon a row of photos of her daughter that included the cast photo from when she was the baritone in the barbershop quartet in her middle school production of The Music Man to a reluctant post-show photo op of her as Aunt Eller in Oklahoma! at age 19.
For now, Parsons seems solid in her decision, stating that the price of her coma is actually much cheaper than rent in New York City as it currently stands. She was heard calling out, “see you guys at the 2036 revival of Hello Dolly!” before entering the medical facility.