by Allison Mintz. @allison_mintz.
GREENPOINT, BK. - All social activity came to a screeching halt when the 12 members of Dune Studios’ Finding Your You: Exploring Exploration acting class realized that they had run out of combinations of people in the class who could hook up.
“I know it sounds crazy, since 12 actors could make a lot of combinations,” said Liz Quickstead, a member of the class who really wanted me to mention that she’s EMC. “But trust me, everything that was possible to pursue, we pursued. I think all of those Meisner repetition exercises where we had to stand really close to each other made us all want to fuck, if I’m being honest.”
Fellow cast member Danica Polinsky expressed concerns for the functionality of the class moving forward.
“It’s become a problem, because now almost no one can be scene partners without there being a weird sexual history,” explained Polinsky while wearing an atrocious beanie. “Like in yesterday’s class, Jeff and Andrew were supposed to do their scene, but Andrew ran out crying because it was ‘just too much after what they’d shared.’ That was a lot for the rest of us. And it doesn’t help that now Kayla and Maya are dating. It’s like, shrink the combo pool even more, guys!”
Manny Santoro, who has his Ph.D. in Actor Fraternization, told us that the problem is common among small performance-based groups such as this.
“Unfortunately, the phenomenon of running out of hookup combinations is not unique to acting courses. I see it every day among BFA musical theatre classes, high school thespian clubs, even just random groups of tenors,” explained Santoro while furiously scribbling in a Hadestown notebook. “I wouldn’t be surprised if the folks within this group start resorting to extreme measures for finding people to have sex with - such talking to people outside of their acting class, or even dating apps. They always find a way.”
Their instructor, Barry Boskowitz, who claims he was on an episode of CSI: Miami, had no idea anyone in the class was romantically involved.
“Really? That class? Most of them are ugly losers - and I told them that! Well, at least now I know what they’re putting their passion into, because it is certainly NOT the scenes from Doubt they were assigned. Jesus Christ.”