by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
Croikey! Meet the world-class accent coach who worked tirelessly to help this great white shark prepare for an upcoming role by sounding a little less Australian.
“It was a challenge, but the shark - which doesn’t have a name because it felt weird naming something more powerful than me - really put in the work,” noted renowned coach Beverly Tullman, best know for helping the dog from Air Bud perfect its standard American bark. “This shark was born and raised down under, but this movie takes place off the coast of South Africa. Part of the training was immersing himself in the local culture, but you know, just to a point. Cause it’s a shark. He can’t go places.”
The film - Shark Fin Blood Soup 4 - isn’t the shark’s first starring role. Their previous on-set experience, however, went anything but swimmingly.
“He was a total diva about the accent,” noted director Les Burkman, who recently faced controversy for eating sushi while speaking to his fish actors. “This was supposed to be a California shark, a real cool guy. Surfer vibes. Would smoke weed if he wasn’t a literal shark. He just kept scoffing and saying ‘I am the actor I am’ - or at least I think that's what he said. It was mostly just water gurgles.”
Still, actors on set of the current film took note, especially one of the other shark actors, with whom our lead was a rumored to share a spicy romance.
“These sharks be fuckin’,” noted trainer Devin Carwell, honesty too excited. “We may be looking at the Brangelina of great white shark actors. Or if their kids become famous, maybe it’s the Will and Jada? You know, if Jada were able to give birth to 12 children at a time.”
At press time, the shark was seen working with an intimacy coach for an upcoming shark documentary’s reproduction scene, which TMZ reports has caused a rift between this shark and its new flame. Neither shark could be reached for comment, because they’re sharks.
I mean, we were supposed to interview them? Did you expect us to interview the sharks? Do you even hear yourself right now?