by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
DES MOINES, Iowa - Local a cappella group The Des Voices celebrated the end of their concert this weekend in true rockstar fashion: by ripping out their vocal cords and tossing them into the audience of screaming fans, starstruck sources confirmed.
“They were a killer crowd, and bands always throw their guitar picks and drumsticks into the crowd, so why not us?” questioned alto Jenna Tullby, who wrote her answers down on a notepad because, well, you get it. “It felt so cool. I mean, it also hurt. It really, really hurt. But once we were able to look past how much it really, really fucking hurt… it felt so cool.”
Audience members - some of whom were heard yelling “oh hell yeah” during the incident - but most of whom were heard yelling “wait, stop, this isn’t the same as what you think it is” - were quick to weigh in on the classic concert move.
“I got one of the bass’s cords, it was so thick,” noted a cappella superfan and new health hazard Benny Sains. “It was so awesome. Two people behind me were fighting over a soprano’s cord so hard it tore in half. Some people were cheering, most people were screaming and praying, and everyone sort of bonded over the feeling that one day we’re all gonna feel real weird about this. I gotta follow them on tour. What do you mean it’s canceled?”
The venue’s staff - who are used to classical performances and children’s puppet shows - emphasized their discomfort with the instrument-less group’s showstopping antics.
“The rockstar attitude didn’t just stay on stage. They were backstage doing shots of throat coat, blasting diminished scales, and they totally trashed the place. That’s right - someone left a jacket,” said stage manager Ben Hort, who was thankful all of the cords were taken so that he didn’t have to clean up any literal human organs. “Next week we have the Ohio philharmonic coming through. I hear their cellist sometimes stands a little while he plays. Pray for us.”
At press time, the a cappella group was seen signing autographs outside the venue, posing for pictures with their fans and dislodged singing devices while waiting for the ambulances to arrive.